http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHcUTNre2oI   -- First off, this is a hilarious clip on YouTube.  You know, if you feel up to it. 


If I feel like I'm forever transitioning, does that make it more of a constant?  No longer a transition because there's no consistency on either side... just life.  Ever-changing.  I tell people that I'm settling but I highly doubt it's true.  It's cool to lie to the barn owner about it because all she's really concerned with is that I clean my stall on somewhat of a regular basis but lying to myself isn't as respectable.  But am I actually lying to myself?  Because really, I already knew I wasn't settling down into a new routine.  Maybe on some levels I am but ... not all of them?

Who knew that I would ever miss the brilliantly complicated simplicity of adolescent drama?  I sure didn't.  I didn't feel that I had any during most of high school, it was primarily contained to the single year of university that I truly experienced it and really, it's a lot easier than being a real live adult.  And yet, my existence now is easy.  But hard.  Thus is life. 


It's posts like this that remind me why I should never be allowed to write without a goal in mind.  Or be given any kind of blank slate, because it's simply never enough. 


Never enough. 




If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, and illuminate the 'no's on their vacancy signs...
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark

Been up all night staring at you
wondering what's on your mind
I've been this way with so many before
but this feels like the first time
You want the sunrise to go back to bed
I want to make you laugh
mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers - I'm waiting

Every word you say I think
I should write down
don't want to forget come daylight
happy to lay here
just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you

Play me a song
your newest one
please leave your taste on my tongue...

Paperweight on my back
cover me like a blanket
mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers - I'm waiting
every word you say I think
I should write down
don't want to forget come daylight
and no need to worry
that's wastin time
and no need to wonder
what's been on my mind
it's you
it's you
it's you

Every word you say I think
I should write down
don't want to forget come daylight
and I give up
I let you win
you win cause I'm not counting
you made it back
to sleep again
wonder what you're dreaming...

We got rid of a kitten, which puts us at one kitten, one cat, one Manni-poo.

The remaining kitten was supposed to be Kiley, but I think it's closer to Kyle. Yes, the girl kitten is actually a boy. I think. Who knows. So now we need a boy name to call her. Him. Dammit.

I have today off of work. I don't know what to do with myself.

P.S. Listen to the Last Kiss soundtrack.

and dreams can be deceiving

I was this old when I first:

FELL IN LOVE - 16
LOST SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU- 14
DRANK ALCOHOL- 17
SMOKED WEED- 18
GOT KISSED - 12
WENT TO THE HOSPITAL - don't remember.
GOT YOUR HEART BROKEN - 17 or 18
LOST A PET- young, I don't remember. I had a lot of hamsters.
GOT ARRESTED- n/a
SMOKED A CIGARETE- 18
BROKE A BONE- 4th grade, however old that is.
GOT A JOB- 15
GOT CHEATED ON- Never, at least as far as I know. If anyone else knows differently, don't tell me.
CHEATED ON SOMEONE- 18
GOT A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND- 12
RODE THE CITY BUS- n/a
WENT TO A CONCERT- 15ish?
MET SOMEONE FAMOUS- I don't know, famous people aren't that big a deal to me. Jane Wiedlin came to a roller derby game last season.
GOT IN A CAR CRASH- 18, but it wasn't a "crash", it was more of a parking lot bump.
DYED YOUR HAIR- 18
RODE AN AIRPLANE- 2 I think.
WENT TO ANOTHER STATE- again, 2.

How Many:

LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS HAVE YOU BEEN IN- 2 or 3, depending on whether or not I consider seriousness, lol.
TIMES HAS YOUR HEART BEEN BROKEN- 4 or 5
PETS DO YOU HAVE- I have one Manni dog.
PEOPLE DO YOU HATE- I don't know if I have the energy to hate anyone right now. Severely dislike? A lot. Ha.
TIMES HAVE YOU HAVE BEEN DUMPED- twice... no, three times.
TIMES HAVE YOU DUMPED SOMEONE- once


Sorry I'm boring.

Asses Wild Raw score: 29% Big Breasts, 50% Big Ass, and 56% Cute!

Thanks for taking the T and A and C test! Based on your selections, the results are clear: you show an attraction to smaller breasts, larger asses, and sexier composure than others who've taken the test. Note that because you scored small on breasts but large on ass size, it might appear you like girls bottom heavy. That's probably not the case. What's more likely is that you notice curvy, voluptuous asses, and they turn you on. Breasts are hit or miss, though, and besides, extremely large ones are just saggy and gross, in your opinion. My third variable, "cuteness" is a mostly objective measure of how innocent a given model looked. It's determined by a combination of a lot of factors: lack of dark eye makeup, facial expression, posture, etc. If you scored high on that variable, you are either really nice OR you're into deflowering teens. If you scored low, you are attracted to raunchier, sexier, women. In your case, your lower than average score suggests you appreciate a sluttier look. Kudos! Recommended Celebrity: J-Lo, when she's looking extra sexy. Probably not when she's acting.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 11% on tit-size You scored higher than 56% on ass-size You scored higher than 40% on cuteness

Link: The Tits, Ass, and Cuteness Test written by chicken_pot_pie on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

To sum up the Dust Devil:

3 days of skating will almost kill you.

I have absolutely no voice left. Working and going to school are interesting in this condition.

Some of the leagues will certainly almost kill you because they're so friggin' dirty.

TRD Saddletramps beat 18 leagues from around the country, making us SECOND BEST IN THE NATION. Take that and stuff it in that hole y'all use for shit talkin'.

I don't know if I could ever play the Rat City Rollergirls again.

The tournament went off extremely well and very smoothly. I'm so proud of TRD. I love TRD.

I don't think I've ever been in more pain. And I have a game in three weeks. And a program due in less than one. Awesome.



I'm taking it one day at a time. That's all you can do, I guess.

That's all I got. Thanks to everyone who came down to play.

Randi Canyon
aka
Bolshe Vixen

It's been a long time since I posted last, I know.

It seems that when I post in here, certain people take things out of context and it causes me a huge amount of grief that quite frankly, is not worth it.

So, what's going on right now: Dust Devil Tournament is less than FOUR WEEKS away. Tickets are selling like CRAZY so if you don't have any, I would suggest buying them while you still can.

The first game of Season 3 is Iron Curtain v. Furious Truckstop Waitresses on March 18th.

I fractured my collarbone in scrimmage last Sunday, as well as receiving a nice black eye. I'm very pretty.

I'm quite tired of sponsorships and being in charge of how much money the league has to put on this tournament. I never really even got assigned this job, it just fell onto me without me noticing. Oops.

Teri is going to New Mexico from Feb. 10-12, so I will need things to keep me otherwise occupied. People with intriguing or interesting ideas will be applauded, people giving me money to get a new tattoo are my new best friends and everyone else can stuff it.

I'm fighting off juvenile urges to do stupid things right now and it's hard. It'd be easier to just give in, right? (Stupid things = spending money I don't have on things I don't need, ie new piercings or a tattoo or running off to California)

I think I tore the lateral side of my right deltoid muscle. It hurts. Especially in conjunction with the fracture of my right clavicle. Whaddya gonna do.

I am tired and have to be up early tomorrow to record something that the TX Rollergirls have on TV and then go to school. Pleh.

Merry (belated) Christmas to everyone, I hope the holidays went well.

I had family in from Iowa and Illinois, it was really good to see them. I'd forgotten how well my cousins and my brother and I all get along.

My holiday weekend was good. Full of food and family. My father and uncle and grandfather, myself, and both my cousins and Hayden went go-kart racing yesterday. And of course, I won both races. AGAIN. You'd think they'd learn to just not challenge my racing prowess. We also went rock climbing, which I'm not very skilled at (I swear it's because I'm short. And have weak forearms. Oh well).

While it's nice to see family, it's really good to be home. I came back to Tucson late last night (I left Gilbert around midnight) and it was a really good choice.


I am thankful to have the family I do. As hard as sometimes I feel they make things for me, I know that I'm not very easy on them either. No matter how difficult things get, I know that they're still going to be around. Something that I've learned is that just because they're around for me doesn't mean they're necessarily in agreement with my lifestyle and my choices.

It's hard to be as close to your family as I was and think that you know how they're going to react to such a wonderful piece of news... especially when they do not react the way you're expecting. All I wanted for this holiday was for my family to be happy and happy for me but I'm not sure we're there yet.

If any of my family is reading this, I just want you to know how much happier I am this year than I was last year. I know it's hard and frustrating and there's a feeling of loss amongst the family members this year but you NEED to know that I'm healthier and happier than I've been in a long time. If nothing else, that is an accomplishment.


...Live in my house
I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back
with one thousand sweet kisses

be my lover and I'll cover you

Open your door,
I'll be your tenant
don't got much baggage to lay at your feet
but sweet kisses I've got to spare

I'll be there and I'll cover you.

I know they meant it
when they said you can't buy love
now I KNOW you can rent it
and at least you are my love

All my life
I've longed to discover
something as true as this is
so, with a thousand sweet kisses
I'll cover you...




Five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes...
five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred seasons of love

I've been trying..

I'm not lying.

No one's perfect - I've got baggage.



Life's too short babe, time's flying

I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine.

I'm stealing this idea from Amanda and Justin. Just because I can.

Looking back on 2005:

January: So, I have way too many plans and not enough time. Like, in the least.
February: I don't know why I thought, in some sick place in my head, that I had a fall-back.
March: So, roller derby practice is going *extremely* well and I'm having a great time.
April: Well, it's a Saturday and I am *so* up before noon.
May: So, as is becoming typical, my weekend rocked.
June: Moved in with Mike yesterday (one of the refs from derby) and am slowly getting settled.
July: So last night, for 4th of July, Teri and I didn't know what the heck we were going to do but we knew we wanted fireworks to be involved (I have GOT to stop working in porn, everything is dirty to me now. Sheesh).
August: It's a crime you let it happen to me.
September: So, the Championship game of Tucson Roller Derby is quickly approaching in a little more than a week and a half.
October: We are all facing choices that define us.
November: I am unsure what exactly it is that keeps me here, bound to this chair, this place... this time...

*note to self*: stop beginning entries with "So, ..."


I used to do this thing called "planning for the future" but I've decided that's too hard to do right now. Look at how much changed in the past year for me. Where the HELL am I going to be next year at this time? The only thing that has been a constant in my life for the past year is roller derby. And my parents wonder why it's so important to me. Yeesh.

I don't know. Things are new, strange, scary, unpredictable, happy, hurtful, surprising and wonderful all at the same time. I hate the time frames I've been working in lately. 9 months seems to be a common theme (and no, pregnancy isn't a hot topic of conversation in my life, lmao) and I'm tired of it. I want the time frame to be 2 years or a year at least. Working with this "a few months" business is really hard. I don't know where I'm going to live come next August. I don't know if my family will ever be able to accept me as I am. "Ever" is a concept that wasn't very real to me until recently. To think that my family will forEVER disapprove of who I choose to share my life with is daunting, to say the least.



Sometimes I feel like there will always be a lot of things about me that won't ever be understood. And I don't care if that makes me sound my age.

Today I am thankful for uncertainty.




To whomever:
Thank you for not making my purpose on this planet clear.
Thank you for never letting me give up.
Thank you for giving me all the wonderful people I have in my life.
Thank you for all the oppurtunities I have had and *sometimes* wasted. I still appreciate them.
Thank you for my family, as much pain as they sometimes cause me.

Thank you for reminding me to be me.


Happy Thanksgiving.

Hmm, everything's crazy lately.

Let's just do a list style entry, shall we?

-School rocks my world.
-Hooray for adding the word "head" to the end of every time I call someone "assface".
-Plane tickets to Austin hopefully cheaper than anticipated.
-Teri and I rock at getting people to give the league money.
-Texas in a couple of weeks (shudder)
-New bruise on my hip from last night's scrimmage
-Eyebrow piercing healed up... and I'm okay with it. See myspace blog. (www.myspace.com/bolshevixen)
-Moving soon!
-Manni is the cutest dog in the world.
-Best button I've seen in awhile: "Tact is only for those not witty enough to use sarcasm"
-Papa Boneshaker's Combustible Revolution ROCKED so hard!
-Sponsorship stuff for Dust Devil tournament starting to take place. Vaguely.
-New LJ icon, in case you didn't notice. (Notice, dammit!)
-Going home for Thanksgiving, actually excited about it. We'll see.
-Can no longer think of things to put on list.
-TRD rocks.
-That is all.
-I'm really done now.

Sometimes it's fun to go through old stuff, like old journals, photos, doodles, notes from a friend, love letters, special things that were tucked away... and just see where your mind takes you.


Tonight I'm really far away, or at least it feels that way.

Things never really turn out like you expected and I guess that's just a little unnerving. There's a certain amount of faith involved with stuff like that. I had faith that what I expected was going to happen.

There's been a lot of things shaking my faith foundations lately and I guess the struggle gets to be more than one person can bear, every once in a while. I've made more than my share of mistakes. I've been given more than my share of second chances. I would just like to do something *right* for once. I would like to know if the decisions I've been making for the past six months have been for the best or if they're just fucking me over worse. And then I need to figure out if that matters. Life is what you make of it and maybe I'm just plotting out a harder path for myself than need be.



It's not that I don't know what I need to or should do. It's just a matter of DOING them. Is there a reason I'm purposefully not doing things? I really don't know.







Does it ever scare you that the things that mean the most/cause the biggest strife in your life today may mean absolutely nothing in the future? Tomorrow? In a year?







I find myself in constant fear that I'm screwing it all up. I used to be able to live without questioning every decision of every day. I used to be able to live without really thinking about it. I used to be... I don't know. Better, maybe. Or maybe now I just see it all clearer. Who knows.


MAYBE I just need somebody to laugh at me and tell me to stop thinking so much.

Tomorrow is a new day.

So the Saddletramps exhibition bout was last night. It was a great game, I had a good time, both teams busted ass all night long. The crowd was small, which was really disappointing because we were hoping this game would make the league some money but the attendance was so low that I don't think we made what we were hoping to. Oh well, it's done and over with now, can't do much 'cept fire up the time machine and honestly, who has the energy?

The Black team won, which was my team, so I was pretty stoked.

I didn't feel very valuable, though. That's really not something I'm used to.

I got new wheels last Thursday and skated in them at practice that night but they weren't worn in as much as I had hoped they were. When it came time to warm up at Bladeworld, I couldn't keep my feet underneath me and it was too late to do anything about it, I was going to have to jam with wheels that had no traction. I felt so worthless because I was one of three jammers and I couldn't even do anything other than fall down. Even my blocking wasn't as effective.

Needless to say, I was unbelieveably proud of my team and of the other team, but I just felt bad about the whole evening. I convinced Jez that my wheels were going to be fine, she was worrying about nothing, etc. And then I went and let everyone down.

After all that, I find it utterly ridiculous that I can still be a little bit upset that people don't recognize *me* on the street or from the bar or on myspace or whereever. Who in their right mind would go out of their way to tell me that "I rocked so hard last night" when I know I didn't? I'm just silly and I know it. In fact, disregard all of this crazy talk, I'm obviously just stupid.





Blockers never really get the recognition jammers do anyway... right?







Forget I said anything.

I am unsure what exactly it is that keeps me here, bound to this chair, this place... this time...


Sometimes it feels like the undersides of my skin is hooked up to millions of little currents of electricity. If I keep moving, the electricity won't get me. Today I feel like I can't be doing *enough*. Why is it I'm obsessively clicking refresh on my email browser window? I'm afraid to miss Billy's email with the URL of the program in it. I'm afraid to miss an email from Dave telling me something crucial about the Chili Cookoff. I'm afraid to miss an email about the sample pages for the tournament program being wrong. I'm afraid something's going to go wrong and I won't be able to start school next week. What if I can't get a job with the right hours? What if my shins and legs never get better and my skating will always suffer for it? What's going to happen if I make a wrong decision and something so important to me gets taken away forever? I'm not ready to lose anything or anyone.

Maybe I feel the control slipping from my fingertips. Everything's slipping.

Oh, something new needs to be done? Sure, I can take care of it. You can count on me.

How many times have I said that, knowing I shouldn't?



I'm really ready for this week and weekend to be over. I am very stressed out with all these running deadlines that I can never seem to catch before its already too late.

There's nothing worse than those two little words... too late...

"We might kiss when we are alone...
when nobody's watching
I might take you home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
it's just that it's delicate...
So why'd you fill my sorrow
with the words you've borrowed
from the only place you've known?
And why'd you sing hallelujah if it means nothin to ya?
Why'd you sing with me at all?"


The writers weren't kidding about how all good things must end.
Then again, some things are far too good to go ahead and let go.


And so it is...
Just like they said it would be.
Life goes easy on me... most of the time.




You know, I could go on all day with lyrics that I love or that apply especially in that moment. However, I think I will spare you all that reading and leave it at this.





"You give me miles and miles of mountains... and I'll ask for the sea."

Had a bad scrimmage tonight. I'm pissed off and frustrated. It started out okay, I jammed and did pretty decently.

It all started going downhill when a new girl hooked me and spun me around. I landed safely but my momentum slammed me backwards onto my ass. For those of you who haven't noticed, I have a small ass which consists primarily of muscle anymore because damn derby has stripped off all my padding. I'm pretty sure the bones in my butt separated my muscle. It did not feel good.

I kept skating and in the third period, there was a big pileup (which I saw coming but couldn't do a damned thing to avoid) and I got tripped and shoved at the same time and fell and then someone moved weird and flipped me over so I was laying on the track face-up. Someone behind me couldn't stop either and they tripped over me and I just happened to catch their skate with my chest. Note to self: having someone skate over your chest isn't a good time, avoid it at all costs.

That fall just took all my breath away, made my chest feel real heavy and breathing wasn't easy. I got up and was irritated already, when I looked down at myself. My left knee-pad shield was almost completely ripped off, one rivet was left and the shield was swinging. Needless to say, I was done. I told the captain of the team, apologized and proceeded to throw my gear angrily to the floor. Luckily there were only a few more jams before it was over.

I'm going to go soak. I needed to vent.



Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

"And it was then that I discovered that there is no nonchalant way to remove your head from another girls' crotch."

Well said.

Suggested reading material: www.questionablecontent.net (and yes, the art gets better from the first few strips to the last, significantly.)